I seem to have died artistically... As most isolated introverts do, I've spent a lot of time analyzing the situation.
I've become consumed by this feeling that I have to create something legendary for my art to be worth doing. I have to make a graphic novel, or I have to make a comic series, or I have to make money. I have to have a lot of fans, I have to be critically acclaimed, I have to stand out with a completely unique style, I have to be the fucking best at what I do. If any one of those factors isn't met, I'm a failure.
Art has become a source of stress and anxiety to me. What used to be a fun way to express myself has evolved into a desperate struggle to impress people. What used to make me feel proud of myself now makes me feel ashamed and frustrated.
Somehow, I'm going to have to wipe out all this corrupted thinking and start over. No making epic novels, no big money, no impressing people. I need to re-discover the joy of expressing myself without worrying about what happens afterward.
That's the thing... I'm not really expressing myself anymore. I'm thinking "oh shit, what if people take this serious masterpiece as a joke?" or "fuck, this has no originality at all", or "nobody's ever gonna pay money to look at this weird shit". I'm just sitting there worrying and stressing about the future and missing out on all the good stuff I can do right here in the moment.
I don't know what will become of my future as an artist, but I'm not gonna do this to myself anymore. There will be no more epic ambitions or impossible goals. If I do get back into art, my only goal will be to intentionally *not* impress anyone. Maybe I'll entertain people, or annoy people, or just have a good time wasting a piece of paper, but I won't do it in an impressive fashion. No more expectations ruining my favorite pastime.
Listening to: Lindsey Sterling - Beyond the Veil
Watching: Shaolin Soccer
Playing: Pokemon Pearl
Eating: Beef stew mixed with ramen